Barney Stinson quotes

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.
- Barney Stinson

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- Barney Stinson

Don’t say you’re gonna kill someone in front of airport security. Not cool.”
- Barney Stinson

The girl from last night, I took her back to my place, then this morning spun her around a couple of times and sent her walking. She’ll never find her way back and there she is!
- Barney Stinson

Look, our forefathers died for the ‘pursuit of happiness,’ okay? Not for the ‘sit around and wait of happiness.’ Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.
- Barney Stinson

I’ve been dreaming of that since I was five. Well, that and my own operational Death Star.
- Barney Stinson

A Bro never cries. Exceptions: Watching Field of Dreams, E.T., or a sports legend retire.
- Barney Stinson

One of the twenty-four similarities between girls and fish is that they’re both attracted to shiny objects. You really never read my blog, do you?
- Barney Stinson

Oh, Ted, no. Do not tell me you’re going to start searching for ‘The One’ again. The only time I want to hear you saying ‘The One’ is if it’s followed by the word ‘hundredth.'
- Barney Stinson

Attention, Canada! My name is Barney Stinson, and your country needs to A, get better money, it’s like you want us to make fun of you; and B, stop letting women like Robin Scherbatsky get away, because she is going back to America, where I plan to plant my flag on her, if you know what I mean, and you probably don’t.
- Barney Stinson

The killer in a horror movie does not stand in front of the camp cabins with a bullhorn and shout, ‘Attention, unguarded teens! At 3:00 I will jump out of that closet and hack you to death with a machete. By the way, my only weakness is fire.'”
- Barney Stinson

I think tonight is going to be de — wait for it — lightful.
- Barney Stinson

A girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she’s *this* crazy, she has to be *this* hot. You want the girl to be above this line. Also known as the ‘Vickie Mendoza Diagonal.’ This girl I dated. She played jump rope with that line. She’d shave her head, then lose 10 pounds. She’d stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. [Pauses] I should give her a call.
- Barney Stinson

Ted, you know who’s a million times hotter than the hottest girl I’ve ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven’t seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.
- Barney Stinson

Canadian porn! Trust me when I tell you that their universal health care system doesn’t cover breast implants. If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I’ll go *oot* of my mind.
- Barney Stinson

There’s only one street where that is normal. Here’s a hint: a big, yellow bird lives on it.
- Barney Stinson

Because the belt is my birthright. You can’t ride the tricycle before me. It’s like Jimmy Olsen beating Lex Luthor while Superman watches impotently in his bed.
- Barney Stinson

Okay, I can do this… I was on my way to the launch pad, when I was mugged… and the mugger took my space shuttle keys! Nailed it, who’s up for a threeway?
- Barney Stinson

That is the Dominator 8000. The best in the market, according to my whip guy. Yeah, I have a whip guy.
- Barney Stinson

I can’t believe I’m taking sex advice from Ted Mosby. It’s like taking fashion advice from, well, Ted Mosby.
- Barney Stinson

ARTICLE 54: A Bro is required to go out with his Bros on St. Patty’s Day and other official Bro holidays, including Halloween, New Year’s Eve, and Desperation Day (February 13).
- Barney Stinson

Unfair? I would not let you take care of the imaginary kids I make up to score with single moms!
- Barney Stinson