Funny Motivational Quotes

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead. True story.
- Barney Stinson

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
- Peter Tosh

You are never fully dressed until you wear a smile.
- Harry S. Truman

If you want to make God laugh, tell him your future plans.
- Woody Allen

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
- Paul Fix

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
- Mark Twain

I've been all over the world and I've never seen a statue of a critic.
- Leonard Berstein

There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing.
- Elbert Hubbard

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- Barney Stinson

Smile - It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Peter Tosh

Money is not everything. There's MasterCard & Visa.
- Harry S. Truman

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Emo Phillips

Success comes in cans, failure in can'ts.

Everything is going to be okay in the end. If it is not the okay, it is not the end.
- Mark Twain

I've been all over the world and I've never seen a statue of a critic.
- Leonard Berstein

Always look for the fool in the deal. If you don't find one, it's you.
- Mark Cuban

I am a deeply superficial person.
- Andy Warhol

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
- Al McGuire

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
- Bill Vaughan

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.
- Desmond Morris

Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
- Kyle Chandler

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
- Dave Barry

The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.

Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out a window.

Chocolate, men, coffee – some things are better rich.

A boy is invincible. Then he drinks and drives and he finds out that his friend isn’t.

Find peace with yourself by accepting not only what you are, but what you are never going to be.

Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.

All men make mistakes; only the fools repeat them.

I used to be indecisive; now I’m not sure.

Old hackers never die. They just go to bitnet.

All marriages are happy. It’s living together afterwards that is difficult.

Have the courage to live. Anyone can die.

A bend in the road is not the end of the road … unless you fail to make the turn.