The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity
- George Carlin

Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
- George Carlin

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
- George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
- George Carlin